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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Eight Ways to Not Grow Your Blog

1. 15” Graphic Files
I have a visual epiphany to share with everyone and my graphics are huge. Those big fat images take minutes to load ... everyone knows that anything worth a hoot is worth waiting for, right? If my blog takes forever to load, it assures top notch quality and graphics for the reader, right? Another way to look at long page load benefits is that it keeps a person on your blog for three to five minutes, right? Not!
2. Be covert!
Stop interacting with any other blogs. Most experts will tell you that the practice of reading, commenting, and cross-linking to other people's blogs will bring traffic to yours. Could that be common sense? Why would seeing you hanging out at another bar make anyone think your bar must be great? You need to act like the only bar worth its salt is yours. Forget about working with, reading or even visiting any other blogs/bars. Not!
3. Be dull with your content or better yet, be generic.
Everyone likes to be smart. Why in the world would you want a blog that could spark creative thinking? You run a blog, right? Why fight your strength? Let the readers be "interesting" and you will make many friends and create followers. Spend your valuable time building posts like "Florida is in the Southeast" as that is where you want to focus your efforts. There is no need to break any new ground or buck conventional thinking. Not!
4. Always changing your blog's appearance.
Your followers will absolutely love this. They will quickly grow accustomed to having ancillary RSS feeds shuffled around weekly along with teal backgrounds changing to magenta. Think about Albert Einstein. The man had seven black suits with seven white shirts to make his life easier. Do you leave your home every day wearing the same pants and shirt? We can look at this in another way. People love surprise parties so constantly change your blog's format and color palette. Not! 5. Reposting current events and news.
Listen up bloggers, there is a massive shortage of people who comment on the news of the day. There are hardly any opinions (or opines, for that matter) on the news of the day. You can use daily news topics from Duke basketball to Darfur, keep regurgitating the news and you'll have everyone finding your blog. Not!6. Practice misspelling (see comment #3.)
People really enjoy, trust and want to follow a blogger that makes them feel superior. The additional benefit is that a misspelled blog is e-z to reed. Most people will addmit thit spendeng valuabul time dec-iphher-in words thit are spelt wrung is a fuhn tasque and habbit furming. Not!
7. Go nuts with widgets.
You have to incorporate every new bell, whistle and widget that is available to your blog. You buy the newest in electronics and gadgets and so does everyone else. Unless you load up your blog page with forty or fifty widgets (even a few that the best critics are not familiar with), you are "old school." The drive for enhancement is a full time job and you should spend 50% of your blog entry time tracking down widgets. And do not forget to move them around the page. Not!
8. Never, ever respond to comments
One of the best ways to grow your audience is to ignore your followers. Play hard to get and if you have to respond to a comment, wait six months. We both know that followers or people expect to wait and expeditious interaction is for the birds. Not!
JD Holzgrefe

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